I was speaking with a kind Mom after a workshop at a church last week. She described a scene that upset her. Her son wanted to go to his soccer game, but had a very badly bruised foot. She said, “No” and her son responded with a defiant rant about her being mean, unfair and more. She asked, “How do I deal with his defiance?”
Words are very important to me. They have meaning and they color how we interact with people we love. Was the son wrong to yell at his Mom? Absolutely. 100% wrong. But I don’t see that as “defiance.” That was a manifestation of his frustration. And his frustration is normal and even expected. But how you view your child changes how you address the situation. If he’s being “defiant,” then you may come down on him, demand that he respect you, yell at him to stop talking to you like that and send him to his room. You showed him that he shouldn’t speak to you that way, but he already knew that. What he really needed was something very different.
If you see your son as “frustrated,” you react differently. You sit down, speak softly and say, “Cameron, I can understand why you are frustrated. I expect you to be a little angry about my decision. And quite honestly, I like it that you are upset by my decision because that means you’re passionate about playing soccer. It means you are willing to fight through pain to support your teammates. That’s a amazing quality and I admire that. If I were you. I’d be frustrated, too. But here’s the deal. I’m not your enemy here and you’re not always going to like my decisions. I’m okay with you being frustrated, but taking that frustration out on me is unacceptable. So take three minutes and think about this. How do you want to handle that frustration differently? How can we make the most of this situation, what do you want to do this morning instead of yelling at me?”
My focus is longer term. I want to TEACH my child how to deal with his frustration so that it’s channeled in appropriate ways. I acknowledge that he’s upset and frustrated. That’s NOT a bad thing. It’s perfectly normal. We don’t want kids just becoming robots–we want them to feel things deeply, but then have tools to deal with their emotions. Does that make sense?
Do you agree or disagree? Happy to discuss more. You can always post on our blogs anonymously (use a fake name and email address!).
42 comments
I think you are too soft on these kids. How’s he ever going to learn not to talk back like that if you don’t correct him? I’d have sent him to his room, spanked him or taken away his privileges the moment he raised his voice. We have zero tolerance for that in our home.
Kirk, I used to respond by yelling and more like Sarah. But then I started using your approach and it changed these situations around. Sad to say–I was the one causing the fights much of the time. I saw it as a direct threat to my authority, but it really wasn’t. When I listen to your CDs and use your strategies, my home is so much more calm. A work in progress. But yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. I’m learning to get to the root of my kids’ frustrations and anger–and that makes all the difference. Thank you for providing a different perspective. It’s much needed!
I completely agree. The child has a right to their emotions. What they need are tools to manage their emotions or when they are older & not under your thumb their emotions will have the potential to destroy them.
Here’s an open question. Where did we get the idea, especially in Christian homes, that honestly expressing emotion is a bad thing? Is it because we don’t know how to handle our child (or worse, our spouse!) when they are emotional? Do we perceive it as a threat to our authority? What’s the root of this?
Our Christian home is big on repectful behavior, and ranting or screaming at me (the mom), even if frustrated, is not respectful. I do not mind my kids being frustrated, but it is how they sometimes express it. The key is to teach them ways to express frustration respectfully (ask mom for a minute alone, tell me what is frustrating in a calmer voice, oh and I listen intently) and not expect them to know how to do so without that teaching and patience. The kicker here is that I must do the same back at them. Sometimes easier said than accomplished.
Excellent, Marie. Love that you are TEACHING your kids HOW to speak respectfully and handle their frustration. Our number 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 discipline tool in the home is…parents who are able to demonstrate self-control and control their own emotions. Kids tune out when they see hypocrisy: you want me to speak respectfully, but you and Dad yell at us…Dad flips off other drivers…you guys lecture endlessly…I’ve heard you gossip about other people at church…and on and on.
Self-discipline is the best discipline.
break it down into 2 things. the first being the child’s emotions and the 2nd being his reaction or behavior. as a parent i want to teach my child to learn how to deal with his emotions and understand the cause of them. if his reaction is to those emotion calls for a punishment he gets one. as a parent i need to be clear on what the punishment is for. i want him to learn ways of expressing frustration or displeasure in a productive manner that will carry over into adulthood. that means to me standing up to something you see as unfair but in a respectful manner whenever possible.
my question to the mother would be why couldn’t her son go to the game but not play? simply being there to support his team and enjoy the game from the sidelines?
I’m big into words. Words have meaning. And I’m not a big fan of “punishment.” I don’t see anything in Scripture that calls for punishment. Discipline means, literally, to teach. The root of that word is “disciple.” So it carries the context of teaching your children to learn by your example in life.
Kirk, I’ve been waiting for a time to address this with you because it’s bugged me. I am a HUGE fan of Celebrate Calm. Your CDs and workshops have changed our family’s life. I think you literally saved our marriage and we’ll always be grateful. But when you started this Christian site, it rubbed me the wrong way. It’s like your saying you have to be a Christian to be the best parent you can be. And we aren’t Christians so it makes us feel like we’re somehow not good enough or something.
A year or two ago, I would have responded as Sarah did, agreeing with her 100%. That’s how I handled things for many years; any emotion that was expressed as a negative response to me or my decisions was seen as disrespect, and whatever issue had been at hand was displaced by dealing immediately with disrespect. My oldest, now 21, will hardly speak to me. He believes my precious pride was far more important to me than his feelings and opinions. He’s right; my need to feel respected was of utmost importance. It’s taken me a long tome to see that it really was just a sense of pride, but it was rooted in a misunderstanding of how God wants us to parent, and how He wants our children to behave. Sarah, I truly hope you can see that emotion, even negative emotion, is not necessarily disrespect, and that lovingly dealing with those displays with grace is far closer to the way God deals with us. It will save you much heartache. I wish I had learned that lesson many years ago; I would still have a relationship with my son and my relationships with my next 2 would be much better. Hopefully, I’ll get this lesson learned deep down soon so that I don’t mess up the next 3. It hurts far more than you can imagine to know that my children think I believe their feelings didn’t matter, and how much they struggle trying to believe in themselves and prove themselves is caused by the pain I inflicted.
Kimberly, great question and thanks for being honest. You may be surprised to know that your assumptions about our intentions are 180 degrees, completely opposite of what you think! Here are 5 reasons we started the Christian site.
1. There is a ton of bad teaching in the Christian community. It is destroying relationships. So, in actuality, I view the Christian community as a mission field, of sorts. The fear, intimidation and control causes more defiance, broken relationships and bitterness.
2. Because of the intense pressure in the Christian community to have “well behaved” children, parents often resort to controlling their children’s behavior…rather than teaching their children to control their own behavior. So kids may appear outwardly compliant and parrot back what they think their parents want to hear, but they are not connecting with the grace of God internally.
3. We have literally hundreds of free resources on the Celebrate Calm site through newsletters, blogs, radio podcasts, Facebook posts and more. So everyone, no matter their persuasion, has access to what we think are tremendous, practical strategies that work.
4. I created the Christian site because I wanted to. It is a passion of mine to challenge people of faith to dig deeper, challenge their assumptions and think in new ways. My everyday life has been changed significantly because I have encountered the grace and kindness of God in real ways–that has impacted me as a parent so why would I not share that? And because I own it, paid for it and invest my emotional energy here daily, I can do whatever I want, ha ha. That’s the beauty of owning your own business.
5. My goal is to restore relationships. As many as I can. I will speak at an atheist convention if it gives me an opportunity to help struggling families. I have helped gay couples who needed parenting advice. I’ve celebrated Shabbat with Orthodox Jewish families and spoken at a Muslim school. Some Christian families will google Christian Parenting or only go to sites for parenting advice that are Christian–so this gives me another opportunity to help families.
I hope that makes sense. Never be afraid to challenge me or ask me questions. I love it.
Great story! Only problem for me is I usually can’t think quickly enough to say the right thing at that point. It could be a few minutes, an hour or entire day before I can say the right thing!
Here’s the thing: what do you want to do, long-term. Yes, a parent has a “right” to punish their child. But, do you want to only subdue the situation OR truly teach how to deal with situations and emotions long-term. I KNEW to never talk back or sass or reply angrily to my parents, growing up. BUT, as an adult, I didn’t have the skills needed to deal with my emotions. Now I’m having to learn better skills MYSELF while also trying to change things for the next generation by teaching my children differently. Over-all, my long-term goals would be better served by Kirk’s approach. Now, if we had already done so 15 times and I knew my child KNEW a better approach and just plain chose to speak that way anyway (true defiance), it might be different.
Thank you so much for this post. We deal with this often, and my husband and I go around and around about how to respond. I have been learning the calm approach, from Kirk, and have seen some tentative positive results. My husband is much more likely to respond as Sarah does. It is so helpful to know how to discern what is defiance and what is really an emotional cry for help. Help to know how to respond to a difficult situation, help to know how to deal with frustration and disappointment, help to feel that he can trust us to put his best ahead of our own feelings. In retrospect, so much of what I (over)react to as defiance was really him not knowing what to do/say, not being sure he could trust my response. I am so grateful to be learning this now.
And to Kimberly, I appreciate and use good parenting advice from people of any faith, as long as it does not violate my personal principles. As a Christian, myself, I am sure that there are many non-Christians who parent more consistently than I do. I have a lot to learn. Please don’t avoid these blog discussions for fear that your views will be held in less regard than someone else’s, who may be of my own faith. That’s just my two cents, as a somewhat regular reader of Kirk’s blogs.
Barbara, thank you for your honesty. We all can sense the pain you carry with you. It isn’t over, though. You have an opportunity to show your older son something that will impact him over time: your personal transformation. I am sure you have apologized to him. No need to do that again or wallow in your past mistakes now. It’s time to change those negative patterns. Give it time. He will see you change. It will soften him. You both have a long life ahead of you. So if things are tough for a few years now, that’s okay. You become a different person. That will draw him to you. I can see it, I can see you enjoying his children, being the grandmother to his kids. And there will be a healing.
It is sad that the first comment to this wonderful post said to punish & hit a child for this. That is so wrong & sad! Spanking (hitting) is harmful and would only make him feel WORSE instead of TEACHING him how to express himself more appropriately! Thank you, Kirk for writing this!
This is not defiance! This is a child, who is hurting [physically from his injury] and emotionally because he can’t do what he wants to do. He is a child, and cannot think so clearly as most adults can. He is desperately upset – and cannot actually verbalize that, he can’t get past it. Teaching him, as Kirk would have done, is exactly the right thing to do. Acknowledging his upset and pain and inability to have control at that age is the first step. As adults we are often very guilty of not taking children’s feelings into consideration. It’s an authoritarian thing – ‘they must do … this…’ …Which actually is very disrespectful of a child’s feelings, frustrations and abilities or lack thereof. Adults ie parents do not deserve respect ‘just’ because of age and size – they need to earn it the same as a child does – it’s a two way street.
I disagree 100% with the first comment to spank ie hit the child! Hitting is NEVER an answer anyway. It’s totally disrespectful, and teaches nothing but anger and hate. It never teaches the reason WHY or HOW a thing is right or wrong. It teaches the child to avoid being hit, and not how to work out the correct thing for themselves. It actually is the most unhelpful thing in disciplining ie TEACHING a child there is!
I, as a grandmother now, have never understood why ‘back chatting’ is so bad that it warrants hitting or severely punishing a child – instead of teaching it that being cheeky isn’t polite or kind!!
Kirk, I thank you for your words here … of kindness, grace and understanding.
Okay, let me anger the other half of you
I like to be consistent. Words mean things. I have known and now know many parents who believe in spanking as a tool God prescribes for discipline. (Leave aside the fact that I’ve met very few parents who spank appropriately, according to their own definition.) I think it is unfair to characterize what many parents do as “hitting” their children.
You don’t want to be judged by other parents because you don’t spank your child. You don’t want them to characterize you as not caring, disciplining or following God’s precepts. So I think it’s wise to not judge those who try to spank with good intentions as “hitting” or “hurting” their children. Does that make sense? Agree or disagree?
If you look up “spank” in the dictionary, it usually says ” to hit” somewhere in the definition. Christian parents should never be pressured to spank, because the B.ible never tells parents to spank their children
You are right KM! I am a bit annoyed now! Hitting IS hitting. Spanking IS hitting. And yes, I think spanking/hitting a child in ANY manner is detrimental to the child, AND to the parent and is NOT a Godly thing either!
I care how my children think, feel and how they are brought up to adulthood – for THEIR sake. Not because of fear of someone judging me! I am interested in my child – not what others think of ME as a parent!
BTW … KM… would you not ‘judge’ for want of a better word, a man or woman who ‘spanked’ aka HIT their wife or husband with ‘good intentions’ or would you be telling that abused partner to get the heck out of there ???
Matt, I understand your passion. But you just did exactly what I cautioned–you took a dictionary definition of a word…and then tried to equate or misapply that pejorative definition to what some very good Christian parents…who love God and try to listen to His voice as much as you…do when disciplining their children.
In any given situation, I can give you 10 very effective ways to discipline your child that I believe yield even better long-term fruit than spanking. But the fact is that earnest, honest Christian parents can interpret various Scriptures to validate the use of spanking.
Your statement that the Bible never tells parents to spank their children is equivalent to all the parents who have privately emailed me telling me that “God commands us to spank our children.”
Here is one thing I am NOT doing on my website and blogs. I am not encouraging all of these prideful divisions that take place in the Christian community. Christians seem to always find a “principled” way to distance themselves from another group. “Well, I’m just standing on the Word of God.” Fine, Mr. High and Mighty, but guess what that other parent just told me? THEY are standing on the authority of the Word of God as well. “Well, I’m right and they just aren’t enlightened.” Okay, fine.
You know what happens? We create these divisions that become sources of false pride. “Well, I’m just more principled than them.” And we begin to assume the worst about other Christians, we cast aspersions on them, we judge them. And it’s one more reason that non-Christians get disgusted by the Church. “If you all can’t even believe the best about each other’s intentions and love each other when you disagree, why would I want anything to do with you? How are you going to treat me?” I’m not playing that game here. It’s childish.
TealRose, I know good, godly parents who love and serve God with all their hearts…who gently spank their children…very purposefully and specifically…when the children are very young…who believe with all their hearts it is the way that God wants them to discipline their children. I’ve seen them do this. Do I believe there are more effective ways to discipline (i.e. teach, disciple, model) their children? Yes. But to characterize THESE or ALL parents who spank as child abusers, or to equate this with spousal abuse, is just wrong. They are not “hitting” their children, they are not doing this out of anger.
I have seen parents who love their children spank in ways that are completely inappropriate. I would consider what they do “hitting” their children. I have spoken up when I have witnessed this to show them a different way.
I have seen parents who DO NOT spank their children yell at their children, scream at their children, threaten their children. I have seen parents use fear and intimidation to change outward behavior. I have seen parents who DO NOT spank make useless threats and not follow through on consequences. I have seen parents who DO NOT spank manipulate their children (“If you loved me, you’d obey me.” “If you loved God, you’d do what I say”). I have seen parents who DO NOT spank their children withhold affection from disobedient children.
Don’t you think it would be wrong to say that parents who don’t spank their children are verbally abusive or manipulate their kids? Just be cautious about making blanket statements.
Gentle has no place in hitting. Hitting is not acceptable just because the one inflicting it claims it is gentle. I personally have no problem with division if it is warranted. I want no parts of any ministry or church that proclaims spanking to be virtuous and godly, to me such an assertion is so far removed from god that the division is warranted. This poisonous lie that God supports spanking has caused some significant damage in people’s lives, and if I have to erect a brick wall to protect myself from the damage of this lie, then I will do so.
The intentions comment also strikes me as irrelevant. I have seen and experienced well- intentioned people who claimed to spank out of love, and it still resulted in in negative long term consequences for the victim. Good intentions fall flat when damage is still being done. Sometimes the road to Hell is filled with good intentions, as an old proverb says.
Matt, I agree that many people have used spanking and caused significant damage in people’s lives. No question. So many parents have used it to physically abuse their kids. (Abuse is an even stronger word than hit.) That’s why we teach so many alternatives to spanking. But that doesn’t mean every parent who “spanks” is abusing their children.
Verbal abuse hurts children. So has the fear and intimidation used by many of our own parents. So has subtle manipulation and withholding of affection. Yelling, screaming and demeaning children causes harm. Holding kids to impossible standards and not praising kids enough can harm them. Not modeling self-control as a parent sends mixed messages to children. Judging other people, when Jesus clearly taught to focus on the log in your own eye, is poison in our homes and churches as well. Agree.
What I don’t understand is this reflexive impulse to separate and divide from other Christians. I am seeking an honest understanding here. Why do you need to “erect a brick wall to protect yourself” from something you disagree with? If you don’t believe in spanking, then by all means do not spank your children. I’m with you 100% and will give you some great ways to discipline your children. Spanking is clearly not an option for you so why is that threatening in any way? Why the brick wall?
By separating yourself, you lose the ability to gently teach other parents a different way, to show and model for them how you discipline your children. You no longer have any influence over these other parents. I’m not saying YOU will do this, but too many Christians erect that brick wall…and then just sit behind it feeling smug and self-satisfied that they aren’t like THOSE people who do x. That seems counter-productive to me. Had Jesus erected the brick wall, he never would have sat with a tax collector, the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. Help me understand this impulse, please.
When I mention dividing myself, I am speaking of ministries and churches that endorse spanking, not individual people. I just can’t stand sitting in a church or hearing a Christian ministry espouse the supposid benefits and godliness of smacking children. If I had to keep listening to such lies it would continually diminish my faith. I can’t worship a god when I am told that he supports hitting children. I cannot trust the leadership of a church that says that god wants people to smack their children. Any god who would endorse such a response to children is not gentle, forgiving, merciful, full of grace, or unconditionally loving.
Matt, if you were physically abused as a child, we extend our deepest sympathies. We hope that all who have been abused or manipulated in any way can find comfort and healing in the grace of God. It is our hope that God will use those who have been hurt as a visible witness of His grace and mercy, and perhaps to help others who have been hurt. God identified Himself as a Father. He has treated me, as His son, with unending patience, kindness and mercy. Those are the same qualities I want to extend to my own son.
Kirk, I love what I have seen you teaching on this site, and I agree with what you are teaching in this article. I understand and respect the desire you have expressed in your comments not to create division. That is a desire of my heart as well.
Regarding the word “hit” — I’m trying to think this through and I can see how there would be concern with using “hitting” interchangeably with “spanking,” and many times it would shut down communication to call it such. I think it could have the same type of harm as calling someone’s beliefs “heretical” can have — it can make people latch onto that word and get defensive instead of hearing what you are trying to share with them. Spanking surely has a more full definition than simply hitting, and many parents do it because they love their children and believe they are required to do so out of love for their children. I, however, do think “hit” can be one word used to describe spanking. Even Tedd Tripp, a pro-spanking, Christian teacher, in his book Shepherding a Child’s Heart on page 173 calls it hitting when he says, “You have no right to hit your child under any circumstance other than biblical discipline.” Anyway, those are just a few thoughts about that.
What you said to Kimberly is really so true — there *is* a ton of bad teaching in the Christian community, and it’s destroying relationships.
There *is* “intense pressure in the Christian community to have ‘well behaved’ children” leading parents to “often resort to controlling their children’s behavior…rather than teaching their children to control their own behavior.” And it makes it difficult for children to “connect with the grace of God internally.” Thank you for making this website, and thank you for reaching out in grace and trying to understand others better.
Maybe I am totally wrong in my opinion, but refusing to allow a child to go to his teams soccer match because of a bruised foot is wrong. I can understand not allowing him to play with an injury, but it just smacks of selfishness for the mother to not even let him attend to support his team.
I agree with you, Kirk, on the so-called “defiance” and teaching for the long haul. My “defiant” daughter tests me on a daily basis. Together we have worked out a plan of how to calm down when mad from not getting your way, negotiating and voicing opinions calmly so the other person can and will want to listen, hearing that the answer may sometimes still be NO, and then what to do with all that angry energy after that NO. So does she do this on her own when her temper flares? Absolutely not. But, as a result of the practice, she does get to calm a little faster. She recognizes what has happened on her own and apologizes for yelling. And SHE chooses to use those situations to practice her new routine later on. The biggest result of all this practice…we are having more fun together. We are in this together, and are closer because of it.
My son, who is also very intense, when he was little once told me that “those big feelings that make me scream and fight just come on soooo fast.” He had no time to stop and *think* about the right way to speak to me. When he would blow up “defiantly” I just never knew what to do. I never spanked him or punished him, nor did I work with him to practice a way to calm down. He is now a 5th grade boy, and I can say that he does regulate himself so much more now, he has gained some control over those reactions. Those feelings don’t come on is a spilt second anymore like they used to just because his body and brain have matured a little.
My kid certainly embarrass me by their behavior sometimes, and I know that people probably talk about how they really need a swift kick in the rear. But, I am experiencing the rewards of staying connected with them, showing them how to practice a better way, and just allowing them to grow and mature. It’s working, and our relationship remains strong.
1. I think spanking/hitting has a place. When my children were very young, say preschool and early elementary, I would spank them as a very last resort. NOW, for clarification… I didn’t actually spank them to cause pain, I spanked them to get their attention. It was the worse thing they could imagine, it didn’t have to actually hurt. Now, I will reiterate, I used this as a very last resort, if I repeatedly disciplined with time outs, or writing which were my two goto techniques. My kids were warned each time they were disciplined that this would be the case. Most of the time though, when I used this, it was for instances that could be life threatening. For example, a child that ran off in a parking lot, or ran into a street without looking. This happened once to me, and my child did not stop when I yelled after them. I spanked my dauhgter right there and then on the side of the road. I always told me kids that it is my primary responsibility to keep them safe, and spanking was so shocking to them, that it worked. I think when it is over used, or used with too much anger or power, that is when it is not effective. But used minimally, it is very effective for a small child.
As my kids got older, its not effective. I won’t hit them hard enough, for it to be “effective”. So, why bother. I also feel that they are beyond that tool psychologically. I can reason with them more. They have more privledges and events to give or take away. But, as a tool for a young child which is one of many in an arsenal, it worked for me. And my kids are all strong, secure, intelligient, hard working, and diligient. I feel confident they will be successful adults, they love me, they even respect me. We laugh together every day, and dine together every night. Our relationship hasn’t suffered. And most of them don’t even remember being spanked in their lives.
Just a thought; when I’m mad about something I am much better off not speaking. I’ve learned that my words can be rough when I’m angry. The husband and kids pay the price for my anger. Ok, so I take a few minutes and walk away. Not easy, I would much rather be right and get my way. Who wouldn’t? I would love to have a tantrum and scream some days- most days I don’t, but every now and then I do. And what happens afterwards? I see that look in my kids or my husband’s face and it’s an “oh, what have I done moment”. Unfortunately, I cant’ take back my words and then I end up overcompensating for my original tantrum.
Walking away and not responding is hard. But a much better alternative than yelling and being hateful and hurtful. You see, those 2 kids and husband are the reason I do what I do- I love them more and better everyday. Why on God’s green earth would I want them to feel like they are “less than”? The rest of the world chips away and breaks them down each and everyday. As a mom, I am supposed to create a safe environment for them. Is it good and safe for them if i’m flipping out and screaming? Trust me, I don’t this well all the time- in fact hubby just mentioned to me the other day that “I wasn’t the epitome of Celebrate Calm”. Ouch….but I needed to hear those words too. Was it rough to hear that? Heck yeah- but you know what-I have to treat being a mom like other jobs I’ve had. I need construct criticism to improve, i need a review to get me back on track, i need to know where somebody else thinks I could better. I need a little training, I need to think outside the box. I can’t get better if somebody isn’t showing me a better way. Sometimes I think we do things as parents as to without any thought of why we do things we do….
How do you “gently spank?” When we spank, we hit. It inflicts pain. How can you say spanking isn’t hitting or striking? Please explain exactly what is done to the child when we spank and how it’s not hitting!
Steph, I have said repeatedly that I can give any parent 10 very effective, appropriate ways to discipline (literally, “to teach”) their children without having to spank. On Wednesday, I am going to publish a newsletter on Authority In the Home that will blow your socks off. You will love it. So don’t tune out just yet.
Part of my mission is to influence and that means remaining level headed about these issues…and not making sweeping generalizations like you just did. You are claiming that all people who spank “hit” and “inflict pain.” And that simply is not so. It is just like them saying that parents who don’t spank let their kids run the house, don’t know how to establish authority and are permissive parents. You wouldn’t like to be lumped in with truly permissive parents, so it’s not right to lump everyone who spanks with the worst stereotype (the angry parent fighting the child and wailing away at them.)
I want to influence that parent who loves and seeks God, who absolutely loves her children, who is just as confident in her beliefs as you, but sincerely believes that Proverbs provides spanking as appropriate discipline. If you walk up to that parent and say, “You know, you are hitting your child,” you will provoke a defensive response. They won’t listen to you, and honestly for good reason, because you are assuming the worst about their intentions. They just don’t see it like that.
So I have to challenge you on this. Words have meaning. When I was a child, my Dad DID hit us (i.e. not just spank) with his belt, but it didn’t inflict pain. I just learned to wail like it did and cry so he would cut it short.
But here’s the real issue. I know some good parents–and they love God and their kids just as much as you do–who do spank their children gently to correct them. For them, it’s not about inflicting pain. The mere showing of their disappointment and the act of turning the child over their knee (yes, I hate the imagery) can, at times, produce a humility in the child and the parent. No, it’s not the way YOU would do it, but it doesn’t mean they are “hitting,” “punishing” or “inflicting pain.”
Does that make sense? Can you see the difference? Again, watch for the newsletter on Wednesday–it’s on the source of true authority and you will want to share it with others.
Kirk, I had no idea there was a “God” issue about spanking. I swatted my 11 month old’s hand when he reached for the stovetop, and he never did it again. When he tried to peel the safety covers off the outlets, a quick spank on the hand deterred him…for the rest of his life! I was lucky; by the time he was 2, he was aware that there was such a thing as a spanking, and it was enough to keep him from walking across the swimming pool cover/getting the knives out of the dishwasher/standing up in the bathtub/etc. I don’t regret spanking him, and I WASN’T HITTING HIM.
You are right. Words do have meaning. The problem is, the meanings change from person to person.
And those 2,000 year old words can be a bear.
Personally, I would have allowed him to play soccer, or leave it up to the coach. Unless there was a danger of permanent damage, working through pain is a good lesson to learn.
I agree that losing control is NOT how we teach self-control. I don’t know how old the child in question is- if they are rather young, I can understand taking some time to show them the source of their frustration and how to deal with it appropriately. If it was a teenager, they should know better by then to not lose it over something like that, and IMO should be disciplined in whatever way the family usually deals with rebellious behavior.
Most kids haven’t been taught HOW to deal with their frustration, even into the teen years. So I have no problem showing a teenager–or for that matter, a 35-year-old Mom or Dad–how to actually control their emotions. I think Christian parents are wayyyyyy too quick to describe behavior as “rebellious.” I didn’t see rebellious behavior here–I saw some good qualities, some passion, and a need for some skills in handling frustration.
When we were young parents, we were taught to jump all over anything that looked like “rebellion.” Most of the time, it just wasn’t. Some of it was kids just being kids, kids being curious, or kids struggling with anxiety. It’s like we are so afraid our kids are going to turn out to be “rebellious” that we find it everywhere.
By the way, just in case anyone wants to look at Jesus’ life in a little different way, some of what he did could be termed “rebellious” against the authorities of the day. The Pharisees and the religious authorities of his day had a rule, even a law: you cannot heal on the Sabbath. Jesus continually defied the rulers and healed people on the Sabbath. Just sayin’.
Thank you so much for this balanced perspective, Kirk. I am so happy I found your site. You are right…self-control for the parent is the place I needed to start. I found your website a few days ago, and have read quite a bit of it and watched the youtube videos, and there is a change in my home already. My kids behave3 sometimes, don’t behave other times. I need to focus on them beng able to control themselves and make good decisions as they grow. I feel like a light has been turned on for me. I am so hopeful, when just a few days ago, I was full of anxiety for my kids and their futures. You wiill be in my area soon, and I feel so fortunate that I will get to hear you speak in person. And yes, you were right to make this Christian site. I’ve been leaning on advice from another Christian site for years, and it has only made me feel embarrassed and guilty that I can’t make it work by forcing and demanding. I judged myself based on how my kids were acting. I googled the exact phrase “calm Christian parenting” because I needed to get away from all that demanding do-as-I-say stuff that is not working. Your site came up as the first result, and I really think it was an answer to prayer. In just a few days of stumbling through a new way to be with my kids, the peace in this house has increased. THANK YOU!
Thank you for teaching us to see under the kid’s actions to the motivation. I sometimes feel like how is my kid going to learn to do the right thing when I am not there to tell him what to do. I need to understand why he is reacting, so that he can understand it.
Kirk, I have attended a couple of your workshops recently and have highly recommended you and your info to many friends. However, even after trying to apply what I heard/learned from you in my home, I have daily battles. Most of what I’ve heard (and read here) involved talking with children and getting to root of frustration. But my daughter is only 4 years-old so some of these “strategies” do not work due to her age. She engages in “explosive” anger frequently (about getting dressed, what is served at dinner, something small not the way she think it should be, etc). We have tried time-out, spanking (both tried prior to your workshops), talking with her and she continues to hit, kick, yell at me (“you are a bad woman and I hate you. you are so mean”). We have a 18 month old as well that watches her closely and I fear him trying to “copy” her behavior as he looks up to her and is entering that stage of trying to gain his independence. Any advice?
Great question, Alison. You cannot reason with a toddler (or teenager!)…but the great thing about young children is that they can learn new skills quickly. Little ones can pick up on your anxiety and tension in the room–so make sure you are calming yourself first in these situations. Then you want to LEAD her into a different behavior when she’s upset or irritated. SHOW her a physical behavior that IS appropriate (dancing with you, jumping on a mini-trampoline, coloring, playing patty-cake, etc.) every time she gets upset. I want to actively practice a new behavior in which she gets physical movement and positive emotion from you. What she will learn is, “When I get frustrated, I can hit…or I can dance with my Mom.” She will learn that she likes the positive energy that comes from dancing, singing, jumping or coloring…instead of hitting, yelling or throwing things.
At the same time, I’d look under the surface to see if we can be proactive. She sounds like most of our kids–she needs things just so, may be bossy, is very sensitive to her surroundings. Kids like this struggle with frustration (and often sensory issues). So let’s see if we can proactively reduce that frustration through providing order and structure, giving her ownership/choices so she feels in control of herself, and meeting sensory needs. Does that make sense?
Thanks so much for the quick response! Some helpful advice
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