• Eliminate defiance, disrespect, and power struggles (even with teens).
• Improve focus, attention, and behavior in class.
• Relieve anxiety, sensory issues and sibling fights.
• Create behavior plans that really change behavior.
• Get kids to take responsibility for their attitudes, choices and work.

Want a sneak peak? Click below.

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VA, MD & PA EVENTS
Monday, May 6                      7:00pm – 9:00pm 
Floris United Methodist Church / 13600 Frying Pan Rd. / Herndon, VA 20171

Tuesday, May 7                     9:30am – 11:30am
Floris United Methodist Church / 13600 Frying Pan Rd. / Herndon, VA 20171

Tuesday, May 7                     7:00pm – 9:00pm
Drew Model Elementary School / 3500 23rd St. / Arlington, VA 22206

Wednesday, May 8            7:00pm – 9:00pm
West Towson Elementary / 6914 North Charles St. / Towson, MD 21204

Thursday, May 9                 9:30am – 11:30am
West Towson Elementary / 6914 North Charles St. / Towson, MD 21204

Thursday, May 9                7:00pm – 9:00pm
Wilson West Middle School / 450 Faust Rd. / Sinking Spring, PA 19608 (Reading, PA)

Monday, May 13                 7:00pm – 9:00pm
St. John Neumann Church (Chapel) / 11900 Lawyers Rd. / Reston, VA 20191

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PENNSYLVANIA HOMESCHOOL CONVENTION
PA Farm Show Complex & Expo Center / 2300 N. Cameron St. / Harrisburg, PA 17110
All workshops are in Banquet Hall East. Click here for more details.

Friday, May 10
8:30am –  9:15am      Stop the Yelling, Power Struggles & Sibling Fights
11:30am – 12:15pm    10 Ways to Stop Defiance & Disrespect
3:30pm – 4:15pm        Discipline that Works, When Consequences Don’t

Saturday, May 11
8:30am – 9:15am       “You’re Not the Boss of Me!”: Motivating Strong-Willed Toddlers, Tweens & Teens
11:30am  – 12:15pm   Stop Sibling Rivalry & Fights Over Video Games/Screens
3:30pm – 4:15pm        Calm Couples Marriage: Stop Yelling, Resentment & Emotional Withdrawal

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NASHVILLE HOMESCHOOL CONVENTION
Tennessee Expo Center / 625 Smith Ave. / Nashville, TN 37203
Click here for more details.

Friday, May 17 in Annex 4
10:00am
Stop the Yelling, Lecturing & Power Struggles

12:00pm
10 Ways to Stop Defiance, Disrespect & Meltdowns

3:00pm
Calm Couples Marriage: Stop Yelling, Resentment & Emotional Withdrawal

Saturday, May 18 in Annex 2
10:00am
Discipline that Works, When Consequences Don’t

12:00pm
“You’re Not the Boss of Me!” Motivating Strong-Willed Toddlers & Teens

MAY 20-23: BRING KIRK & CASEY TO YOUR SCHOOL OR CHURCH
Call or email Brett. 888-506-1871. Brett@CelebrateCalm.com.

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All events are FREE and there is no need to register. Come out and bring a few friends!
Content will apply to toddlers, teens and everything in between. Feel free to bring kids.
Want to book Kirk & Casey at your school, church or synagogue? It’s easy. Call or email Brett.
888-506-1871. Brett@CelebrateCalm.com.

Does this describe you?
You want to use your gifts and passions to make a difference.
You are tired of just working a job, feeling underutilized.
You want to feel like you are in control of your destiny.
You want to live with a mission, not just go to an office.
The corporate world drains the life out of you.
You want to work for yourself.

You’re a kid, but you don’t want to be treated like one.
You have ideas and a passion for doing your own thing.
You get excited about making money and helping people.
You don’t want to do what other kids are doing.
You want the challenge of running your own business and growing it.
You can handle tough talk and being treated like an adult. In fact, you prefer that.

But you don’t know how to make the jump into owning your own business.
You have fears and doubts. Good, you should!
No one believes in you. You feel like you’re on an island. Maybe people think you are too young or too old. Maybe your impending freedom makes them uncomfortable and jealous. Don’t listen to them.
You are great at your specialty, but you don’t know how to actually make a living doing it. You need help putting your ideas into marketable form.
You shudder at the thought of selling. We’ll show you how to while remaining true to who you are, even if you are a shy, introvert like me!
No one ever taught you how to work for yourself. You’ve been trained to work for others.
That changes now.

Come to our Midwest or National Entrepreneur BootCamps this summer in Indianapolis or Washington, D.C./Northern Virginia. Here is what you are going to learn:

1) Practical, concrete, real world strategies to put your ideas into action or grow an existing business to the next level.

2) Creative ideas and new opportunities to earn additional revenue. Rather than going it alone, you’ll get input from a couple dozen other creative brains in the room.

3) How to create products and services that people ACTUALLY WANT and will ACTAULLY buy.

4) You’ll have a PhD in marketing, pricing, branding, positioning and using the internet to grow your business.

5) How to actually make money. Real money. Cold hard cash. Not promises of riches or island homes. It’s not about manipulating people or using some unknown internet secret. That doesn’t work. I want you to create products and services that actual people actually want and actually buy.

6) Mentoring. You need someone who is in your corner, who believes in you. You also need someone who can tell you that your marketing plan won’t actually work, but show you one that will. You need someone who will speak to you honestly and get to the real reasons why this hasn’t worked before,

Every young man and woman needs an adult who believes in you, who will treat you like an adult and expect you to act like one, who will encourage and support you, who will tell you the hard truth and kick your butt when necessary. I can do that!

7) We’re going to get a diverse group of people together in the same room—different backgrounds, experiences and ages—and learn from each other. You’ll have a few dozen eyeballs looking at your project and ideas to improve it.

8) You will have an opportunity to present your ideas to the group. We will brainstorm new ideas and opportunities for you.

9) You will learn more about yourself during this process than you ever imagined. You’ll come face to face with your fears—and overcome them. We will address why you are afraid to charge for your services (not worth it?), why you are afraid to succeed, that you somehow don’t deserve it. The process of owning your own business will cause you to grow inside.

Adults AND Kids Are Invited
I am inviting mature teenagers and kids over 10 (I must personally approve of each child attending) to join us as a valuable part of the group. I don’t believe in separating kids into some special group and giving condescending talks. For thousands of years, kids at age 12 were treated like adults and expected to act like adults. This is not a babysitting service. I only will accept mature young men and women who come eager to learn with yellow legal pads and pens; who can participate and speak up in mature ways; who can handle themselves as adults in an adult environment. I respect kids and believe they will add a fresh perspective to the training.

Who says your child can’t have a thriving profitable business in middle or high school? Why spend all that money on tutors and testing for kids who just aren’t cut out for a traditional schooling? Discovering a vision through running a business can help focus their academic efforts in high school and college.

This is NOT a motivational seminar. I’m not Tony Robbins. We’re not walking on fire and I’m not getting you amped up. You are already motivated inside. You just need practical strategies to implement your vision.

We’re going to talk about the psychology and morality of money. Some of you have failed in business because you don’t charge people enough money. So you say, “I just want to help people.” That’s a cop out. You may feel guilty for charging people money. You may not have confidence in your abilities. So you hide behind the notion that it’s more noble to give away your services. It’s not.

Training Schedule. All training will be conducted as follows:
Pre-BootCamp Work
Before BootCamp begins, we will review your specific business ideas, marketing plans, etc. I will give suggested books/articles to read.

Saturday from 9:00am – 3:30pm.
You will learn specific, concrete strategies to put your ideas into practice.
You will then have free time to relax, work and eat dinner until the evening session.

Saturday from 7:00pm – 9:00pm.
You will have an opportunity to share your specific business ideas with others so we can brainstorm ideas.

Sunday from 9:00am – 1:00pm.
You will walk away with a concrete action plan.

MIDWEST ENTREPRENEUR BOOTCAMP–SOLD OUT
Saturday, June 15 and Sunday, June 16 in Indianapolis, IN.
This training has sold out already. Please email us to be added to the waiting list,

NATIONAL ENTREPRENEUR BOOTCAMP
Saturday, July 27 and Sunday, July 28 in Northern Virginia/Washington, D.C.
Northern Virginia. Training will be held at a hotel conveniently located in either Arlington, VA or Ashburn, VA. Details sent upon registration.

Cost of training. I want to charge $2,500 for the training. I do. It’s worth it. But I have priced the training as follows. It is $1,000 for adults and $500 for kids under 18. Kids must pay half their tuition. The truth is that if you cannot earn an additional $1,000 in the next three months—and if you’re a kid and cannot earn an additional $250—then you don’t have what it takes to be an entrepreneur. You have to be scrappy and want it.

There are 500 good excuses why you can’t do this training. I’ll list them for you if you want. But if you are going to be successful as an entrepreneur, you cannot make excuses. You just can’t. You have to figure out ways to make it work. You can’t just say, “I hope this works out.” It won’t. You have to say inside, “I am going to make this work no matter what it takes.”

There are no refunds. To be an entrepreneur, you have to be bold and decisive. If you are going to change your mind and waffle, don’t become an entrepreneur.

If you are up for the challenge, if you are ready to learn new skills, if you are ready to become a new person (this process will cause you to grow up, become confident and mature), then register. Click on the links below to register via credit card. Email Brett@CelebrateCalm.com or call 888.506.1871 to put down a $100 non-refundable deposit to hold your spot via check or credit card. Once the training is full, it’s full.

*If you are registering a young man or woman under the age of 18, email me at kirk@celebratecalm.com. I’ll ask you a series of questions and explain my expectations further.

Adult Registration

Please put the date you want to participate in the comments section at the bottom of the order form.

One Payment of $1,000

2 payments of $500

3 payments of $333.33

Kids Registration

Please put the date you want to participate in the comments section at the bottom of the order form.

One Payment of $500

2 payments of $250

If you want to pay by check or have any questions, call Brett at 888-506-1871 or email brett@celebratecalm.com. He is the friendliest person on the planet and can answer all of your questions.

Want us to come to your city? Call 888-506-1871 or email Brett@CelebrateCalm.com with the name of your school/church/synagogue and city. We’ll send you a one-page proposal.

When Your Child Is Disrespectful
Many months ago, we were asked to conduct seven presentations at the Nashville Homeschool Convention. We had been warned in several states that these Nashville people were hardcore. “Don’t be surprised,” people said ominously, “if no one shows up at your sessions or they walk out in protest because they just want to beat their kids into submission.”

So obviously Casey and I couldn’t wait for this past weekend    When 200 people showed up for the first session, we thought they had come to stage a protest!

I delivered a tough message. In order to change your home life, Moms and Dads, you must grow up and learn to control your anxiety, perfectionism, and need to please everyone. How can you expect your kids to control themselves…if you cannot control yourself? What you believe and say means nothing…if what you do contradicts it.

I asked families who wanted to break generational patterns of yelling to boldly commit to listening to the CDs for the next three months as a family. To draw a line in the sand and instead of just hoping for change, take concrete action steps to change behavior patterns that are killing relationships. Yes, our CDs require an investment. But it’s no more than a flatscreen, a couple therapy appointments or more than we spend on Starbucks or fast food over the course of three months. Once you and your children learn self-control, it lasts a lifetime.

We thought perhaps a handful of families would be receptive given what we’ve been told. So I left Casey to run the booth while I spoke to parents. After the third session, I had a little line forming behind me as I spoke with a Mom. All of a sudden, Casey came barging into the scene. Uh oh. I’d seen those eyes before. Intense. On fire. Face flush. Hair line sweaty. I could tell by his body posture this wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Where are the car keys, Dad?” he demanded.
I excused myself from my conversation and asked Casey how I could help.
He was clearly flustered. “Why didn’t you answer any of my texts?”
“I was talking to parents.”
“Well,” he barked, “I’m swamped at the booth and out of CDs.” As he rushed off, he  said, “You need to answer my texts and I need you at the booth NOW.”

What was going through my mind then? The same thing as any parent. His tone was demanding and disrespectful. It put me on the defensive. Now I’m standing in front of these parents looking to me for help, so that twinge of embarrassment comes up. After all, I’m the parenting expert and my child is speaking this way?! So what should I do?

I wanted to dress him down right there. After all, I am oppositional myself and I don’t allow kids to be demanding. I had every right as the parent to snap back at him in that stern, disapproving manner, “Casey. That tone is unacceptable and you will not talk to me that way. I want an apology right now.” But that doesn’t make it right.

So I didn’t (this time!). I had been teaching this all morning so it was top of mind. Instead, I replied in an understanding tone, “Hey Casey, I appreciate you working so hard. I’ll be right there.”

I excused myself from the line of parents. 40 seconds later, I received it. A text. From Casey. “Dad, I’m sorry for my tone. I shouldn’t have done that.” Bingo!

Let’s break this down:
(1) Casey was “on fire” emotionally. I cannot control how he is feeling. But I can control how I respond. And my response is either going to pour fuel on the fire or calm the situation.

(2) Why is this so hard? Because we get anxious when we hear disrespect. We don’t want to be embarrassed. But embarrassment is your issue. You are allowing the opinions of a stranger to dictate how you interact with your child. So you snap back, inflame the situation and trigger a worse response. And everyone says things they don’t mean. That’s already happened in your home this week, hasn’t it?

(3) I have to be the grown up and not make everything about me. When I step out of my anxiety (how is this affecting ME?) and instead walk in my child’s (or spouse’s) shoes (why is HE upset?), then I see with clarity. How many fights occur because we assume the worst about others’ intentions, but the best about our own?

Oh, my son is overwhelmed. He wants to provide the best customer service possible (because that’s what I have instilled in him) and now he’s had to leave parents alone at the booth. So he’s frustrated. Does that excuse his disrespectful tone or make it right? No. But it provides an opportunity for ME to break the cycle.

(4) Everything in me wanted to snap right back at Casey that afternoon. I could feel it rolling off my tongue as I jabbed the dagger into him at that moment. Honestly, though, did I need to point out how bad his tone sounded? What immaturity is that inside of us that wants to wag our tongues like a 4-year-old and say, “You know what? If you’re going to talk to me like that, then I’m not taking you to dinner tonight…”

(5) There’s no need to point that out. He knows it’s wrong. We’re at a stalemate here. Who’s going to respond next? See, as adults, we expect the 6 or 16-year-old to break the cycle and calm down…because the 40-year-old can’t. But that’s when we need to humble ourselves and lead our kids to a calm place. How?

(6) Practice the power of acknowledgement. “I appreciate you working so hard.” That simple statement made him feel understood. It was the humble response. Isn’t that how YOU want to be acknowledged when YOU are in a foul mood? Otherwise, I am left to acknowledge, “You’re being a jerk. You just wait til later.” Tell me which is better.

(7) I could have demanded a forced apology. “Apologize to me right now!” Instead, I got contrition. When I broke the emotional cycle, it enabled Casey to acknowledge his disrespectful tone and send the apology on his own, 40 seconds later.

(8) After dinner Friday night, we used this as an opportunity to practice what we could do differently next time. We role played how to handle frustration next time.

(9) In the moment, can you break the cycle and de-escalate the situation? Can your spouse? Or do you find yourself yelling, snapping and lecturing? If this was easy, you wouldn’t be reading this. The reason we are so adamant about listening together to the strategies is so this remains top of mind, renews your mind and becomes more natural. If you cannot control yourself, your kids will not respect you.

(10) So I’ll make you the same offer I made those families. If you make the investment and commit to making these changes, I will walk you through this for the next year. Get the CDs. Listen as a family. Email me with questions. And let’s make this the day when you get back control of your home and yourself. Ready?

If you need personal or financial help, be bold and contact Brett. He’s the nicest guy on the planet. Seriously. Email Brett@CelebrateCalm.com or call Brett at 888-506-1871. Say, “I need help” and we’ll connect you with the right resources.

• Calm Couples University
• Personal Note from Kirk
• FAQs

Changing A Generation of Family Dysfunction-Cool, huh?!
Kirk, I bought your CDs…and began listening. Slowly my life changed for the better. I found new techniques to gain strength after a long day. I would leave the CDs on so when my wife took my car, they would be playing. She began to listen, we talked about it, and guess what happened…our family’s life improved. We don’t fight before church or school, we don’t push our anxieties on to our children, and we take time to learn lessons, not punish. Thank you for your courage to show me how to change my life and my family’s life by getting out of a generation of family dysfunction.
JK

Lying isn’t the real issue–it’s a fig leaf to cover shame. Watch how this works. I’m a toddler or a teen. I don’t have much self-control so I impulsively do something wrong. Now I realize it was wrong, I am ashamed and fear my parents are going to be mad at me. What’s my first instinct? Lie! That’s why lecturing or punishing doesn’t work. But if you actively show your child how to control himself and create an environment where boldly saying, “I messed up!” is met with calm, you will stop the lying. Do you and your spouse know how to control your own anxiety, perfectionism and constant lecturing/yelling? Have you physically shown and practiced how to control impulses at the store and with annoying siblings? Can you listen, discipline, forgive and give meaningful consequences without freaking out?
(If you need personal mentoring to control your anxiety, join the Calm Challenge.)

So what do you do when your child proclaims, “I hate myself,” “I wish I hadn’t been born” or even “You’re stupid!”? Always discuss such statements with your child’s doctor or therapist, especially if you have a family history of depression, bipolar disorder, etc. In 99.9% of cases, what the child is really saying is this:

“I am so frustrated with myself. I keep messing up and that makes me stupid. My brother and sister don’t get in trouble like I do. I don’t even feel like I can control myself and I’m tired of always being yelled at and in trouble. I need some help! I need tools to change!”

Lectures, threats and punishment will not work. The real problem is the underlying lack of self-control and resulting shame that fuel such frightening statements. The child doesn’t hate himself or you–he hates messing up, getting yelled at and being in trouble. Try this next time.

1) Hear the screaming as a cry for help. Sit down. It’s calming.

2) Practice acknowledgement. “Jacob, I can understand why you would be so frustrated. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against you, doesn’t it?”

3) Listen. Let him talk and get the frustration, anger and pain out.

4) “Jacob, I can understand why you’d want to lie or scream like that. It makes sense to me. I have felt frustrated and angry before. Do you feel frustrated with yourself, like you wish you were a different person or could control yourself?”

5) Listen more. Yeah, this takes time. But it’s worth it.

6) Offer reassurance. “Here’s the deal, Jacob. I like who you are. I like your intensity. I like your imagination and ideas and energy. I like that you’re a hurricane sometimes. I want to use that energy in positive ways to that it’s creative and not destructive.”

7) Move to problem solving. “So what can we begin doing the next time you feel frustrated or angry?” Another great question: “What can *I* do next time you’re upset to help you calm down?”

8) Physically practice a new calming routine. What is it that calms your child? Coloring, listening to or playing music, jumping on a mini-trampoline, doing push-ups with Dad, doing a silly dance, playing with the dog? Make this your new routine.

9) Build your child’s self-confidence. Competence breeds confidence so make sure your child has opportunities to use his unique gifts and passions. Many kids feel bad about themselves because adults only focus on their weaknesses.

10) Teach your child self-control. Have you practiced self-control with your kids? Have you physically shown them how to practice impulse control? Do they know how to keep from blurting out in class, from whining for that candy at Target? As the Dad above wrote, it takes work to change a generation of family dysfunction and negative patterns. But once Mom and Dad can control their own anxiety, yelling, perfectionism, fear and lecturing…and once you teach your children how to control themselves, EVERYTHING begins to change. No lying, siblings learning how to handle conflict, fewer meltdowns, no more “I hate myself!”, etc.

Give your kids tools to change. Get the tools 40,000 other parents use daily to change. They are even on sale right now. And you can start a new family tree…free of the yelling, screaming and defiance.
Kirk

A 10-year-old boy came sulking into the classroom, angry and disruptive. Before training teachers at an after-school program, I watched Dereyon throw himself into a chair. He wanted attention, but he sure didn’t want to do homework. So here’s how I got him to jump into his homework in 5 minutes without a fight.

1. I calmed my anxiety and frustration. When you react emotionally to your child’s emotion, you pour fuel on the fire. Deep breath. Be the grown up. Control yourself.

2. I did not invade his space and sit with him. Instead, I waited for him to look over at me (warily, I admit). When he did, I asked if he could come help me plug in a cord for my computer. That way, he had to physically move from his space to mine. Motion changes emotion. It’s how you begin to change emotions. Very cool.

3. I created a job so that he would feel helpful and transition from sulking to completing a specific activity. I didn’t focus first on why he was upset. I thanked him and asked him to sit with me.

4. I asked about his gifts. When Dereyon sat down, I noticed that he had drawn all over his left arm. “Do you like drawing?” “Yeah, kinda.” “Let me see your arm. You’re pretty good, huh?” “I’m okay.” “No, you’re more than okay. Plus I can tell you are right-handed.” “How do you know that?” “Because you have nothing on your right arm.” Smile. “So you’re an artist–do you actually draw on paper?”

With that, Dereyon grabbed his backpack. “Do you want to see some things I’ve drawn?” he asked excitedly. I knew then that we had connected with something that was important to him and that he was proud of. Connect with your child’s talents and passions. This is the one never-miss, always-works way to connect with any child. You are connecting with the gift that God placed deep within them.

5. I built his confidence. When Dereyon pulled out notebooks with drawings, I took time to notice details and make a big deal of his gift. I built him up.

Notice the first five steps had NOTHING to do with why he was upset. Instead, I drew him into my calm place, and redirected him physically and emotionally.

6. I sought to understand, not interrogate. While I was looking at the drawings, I casually said, “May I ask you a question.” (I wanted to respect his space and not force myself on him.) “Yeah.” “When you came in today, why were you so upset?” I didn’t look him in the eye because I wanted a conversation, not a defensive reaction. He paused and said, “I wasn’t upset.” I smiled and said, “Yes you were and that’s okay. I just was curious why.” He thought for a moment and told me he was mad because he had missed the bus and had to walk to the center. It is perfectly okay for children to get upset and frustrated. What is not okay is taking it out on others.

7. We talked about specific ways he could handle his frustration next time. Just snapping, “Calm down!” doesn’t work. We have to show kids how to control their emotions and behavior.

8. I transitioned by building on a strength. “Wow, you ARE a good artist. That’s one thing I can’t do–draw well.” “You can’t?” “Nope. So why don’t you get your homework out and we’ll see what else you are good at doing?” This is positive priming. We had now moved Dereyon to a calm place, discussed why he had been upset and how to handle it better next time, and built him up by recognizing one of his gifts. He could now dig into homework from a position of strength and confidence.

9. I used the Brain Boosters strategies to help him focus more effectively and get homework done without so much stress. This means using movement, rhythm and multi-sensory stimulation. Sitting at a desk usually creates nasty fights and parents barking, “If you would just focus, you’d be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking 3 hours!” So learn the specific strategies that help kids calm down, control their emotions and complete homework more effectively.

And get tools to calm your own anxiety! You can click here to get any three CD sets for the price of one. If you need help restoring your relationship with your spouse or controlling your anxiety, then click here to learn more about BootCamp. If you need help choosing which resources are best for you, email or call Brett. He’s he nicest guy in the world. He can even help you with payment plans and discounts. 888-506-1871. Brett@CalmCPU.com.)

How are you going to apply these steps to calm down your upset child (or spouse) next time? (If you found this helpful, SHARE it with others and let them know about Calm Christian Parenting. You can even click here to join our Facebook Page.)

Love is messy, ugly and painful.
Today is Valentine’s Day. But love is not what the marketers tell us it is. Love is not flowers, chocolate and surprises. Love is not saying just the right thing. Love is not even doing the right thing. Love is not your children behaving well. Love is not having a wonderful day at the park. All of those things are lovely and nice, but they are not love. Love is not the romantic comedy where two star-crossed lovers find each other. The hard part, the love, is what happens six, nine, seventeen years later after the newness wears off.

Love is messy, love is dirty and sometimes ugly. Love is you staying present while your son is screaming that he hates you, but you persevere until you get to the root of the episode and discover he’s frustrated with himself. Love is when your teenager threatens to make your night miserable because you said “No”…and you don’t allow her mood to determine yours. You endure short-term pain because you want your daughter to know your home is a safe place with parents who aren’t afraid to disappoint their kids. Love is that difficult child who wasn’t the child you wanted, who you sometimes resent, but you keep believing.

Love is the couple taking the Calm Couples Challenge who are slowly rebuilding trust after an affair. Love is a husband willing to humble himself by admitting that he can run a business, but he has no idea how to have a relationship. Love is the alcoholic who admits he can perform surgery, but he cannot control his addiction. Love is the patient forbearance of a spouse who has been wronged, and has every right to exact revenge, but is working to rebuild trust with accountability.

To my Christian friends, I caution you. Love is not a well-behaved child. Love is not the sterile portrait of a perfect family who hides its imperfection to please others. That is an illusion. Love is messy. Love is when a woman is dragged from bed while committing adultery, half-naked, drenched in shame…and the one who could have accused her writes in the dirt to preserve her dignity and disperses her accusers with one sentence. Love is when a prodigal son limps home, dirty outside and in, and is met not by a lecturing father looking to score points…but by a tear-filled father who runs and hugs him. Love is the servant Jesus on his knees washing his disciples’ feet. Love is a prostitute given another chance. Love is what compels an innocent Savior to be whipped, beaten, spat upon and nailed to a cross. This is where love lives.

If you learn to embrace the imperfection in your daily life–that husband who means well but doesn’t always know the right thing to say, the overwhelmed wife who lacks self-respect because she’s always trying so hard to make everyone happy, the little boy with the huge mouth and heart to match, the teenager flailing away searching for himself and his independence–then you will discover that right in the middle of this mess is where love lives.

Yes, love is cleaning up your child’s vomit. Love is seeing the best in others even when they are mean to you. Love is having the self-respect to tell that abusive spouse you would rather be lonely than treated that way. Love doesn’t run, hide, ignore or hope the mess goes away. Love sees the imperfection and courageously faces it, forgives it, teaches it, works through it. I hope you find beauty in imperfection today.

Kirk

P.S. If you want help with the ugliest, dirtiest, most painful relationships…if you want help knocking down the walls you’ve built, untangling years of lies to yourself and others…if you want to really experience the love that is described above…this is a safe place. Take the Calm Challenge. Get the CDs for practical, real life help.

P.S.S. If you need help financially, you must be bold. Call or reply to this email and say, “I need help!” We respect those who seek and knock boldly.

Words are very important to me. They have meaning and they color how we interact with people we love. Was the son wrong to yell at his Mom? Absolutely. 100% wrong. But I don’t see that as “defiance.” That was a manifestation of his frustration. And his frustration is normal and even expected. But how you view your child changes how you address the situation. If he’s being “defiant,” then you may come down on him, demand that he respect you, yell at him to stop talking to you like that and send him to his room. You showed him that he shouldn’t speak to you that way, but he already knew that. What he really needed was something very different.

If you see your son as “frustrated,” you react differently. You sit down, speak softly and say, “Cameron, I can understand why you are frustrated. I expect you to be a little angry about my decision. And quite honestly, I like it that you are upset by my decision because that means you’re passionate about playing soccer. It means you are willing to fight through pain to support your teammates. That’s a amazing quality and I admire that. If I were you. I’d be frustrated, too. But here’s the deal. I’m not your enemy here and you’re not always going to like my decisions. I’m okay with you being frustrated, but taking that frustration out on me is unacceptable. So take three minutes and think about this. How do you want to handle that frustration differently? How can we make the most of this situation, what do you want to do this morning instead of yelling at me?”

My focus is longer term. I want to TEACH my child how to deal with his frustration so that it’s channeled in appropriate ways. I acknowledge that he’s upset and frustrated. That’s NOT a bad thing. It’s perfectly normal. We don’t want kids just becoming robots–we want them to feel things deeply, but then have tools to deal with their emotions. Does that make sense?

Do you agree or disagree? Happy to discuss more.

A: I think this is a tremendous opportunity for you. And I don’t say that lightly. All emotional interactions provide an opportunity to build trust or destroy it.

It’s normal for you to be worried and disoriented with confusing thoughts: did I do something wrong, how dare him deny his faith, who got this thinking into his head, what about his eternal soul, what does this mean for our relationship, how do I tell people at church about this, won’t I be judged as a bad parent? That will lead you to become indignant, interrogate, demean, lecture, or use every rational fact to persuade your son that he’s wrong. That “natural” response will sever your relationship at the very moment your son needs you most.

First, I need to ask you a few questions. Who cares more about your son and his relationship with God–you or God Himself? Do you think God is shaken or surprised by this? I don’t think so. God’s pretty sure of Himself. Is your God fragile? Because we as Christians often act like God is incapable of dealing with people who question Him. I think God has a lot of practice with this. Do you really trust and believe God is in control? Really? You may profess it with your lips, but if you seek to gain control of this situation (and your son’s beliefs) with your own power, then you betray your words. Here is how I recommend you respond.

Sit down and relax. Don’t stand over him.  “Jacob, those are legitimate questions caring people have asked for thousands of years. I’ve wondered that before, why a loving God allows awful things to happen. Why else are you struggling?”

Acknowledge that his questions are normal and legitimate. If you say he is just doing this to push your buttons, it delegitimizes his very real concerns. (And even if he is doing it to push buttons, don’t allow this to shake you because that makes you and your faith look weak to him).  Ask him questions. This isn’t time to lecture and convince–it’s time to listen to his concerns and understand what’s driving this. Listen. Listen hard, listen without lecturing.  Speak sparingly.

“Jacob, I just have to say that I’m really proud of you for having the courage to express your doubts like this–that takes guts. I like that you aren’t just accepting what we have taught you or what other people say. I want you to question because I want you to own your faith. Good for you.” Now I know that inside you will be crying and upset, but show him your confidence and don’t allow this to shake you.  Keep asking questions and listening.

“Jacob, you know what else I like about you? That you have a good and kind heart. I love that you are distraught and confused about why people suffer. And I think that’s because you have struggled so much, too. Sometimes the people who feel the most pain in life are the most merciful–I think that’s why you have such a big heart.”

Create an environment in which your son can openly talk to you, ask questions and when he is ready, learn. In the meantime, there is one lecture I want you to preach loudly to your son all day and all night–and that is the silent lecture of your actions.

Does your child see you moved by the plight of the poor and hurting? Does he see you feeding the homeless or visiting the elderly? Does he see joy and peace in you that only God can give in the midst of tough circumstances? Is your faith real and alive? Are you just going through the motions, or does he see God’s grace and mercy flowing through you? That’s what will speak most loudly to him.

Do you agree or disagree with this response? Do you think you could handle it this way? What would you do?

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