Q: Kirk, A good friend has a teenager who “dropped a bombshell” on the way home from Wednesday night Bible class. He doesn’t want to go to church anymore because he doesn’t believe there is a God. He says if there was a God, there wouldn’t be so much pain in the world and he wouldn’t struggle so much. A church counselor and I told her he’s just trying to push her buttons. What does a parent say to this child?
A: I think this is a tremendous opportunity for you. And I don’t say that lightly. All emotional interactions provide an opportunity to build trust or destroy it.
It’s normal for you to be worried and disoriented with confusing thoughts: did I do something wrong, how dare him deny his faith, who got this thinking into his head, what about his eternal soul, what does this mean for our relationship, how do I tell people at church about this, won’t I be judged as a bad parent? That will lead you to become indignant, interrogate, demean, lecture, or use every rational fact to persuade your son that he’s wrong. That “natural” response will sever your relationship at the very moment your son needs you most.
First, I need to ask you a few questions. Who cares more about your son and his relationship with God–you or God Himself? Do you think God is shaken or surprised by this? I don’t think so. God’s pretty sure of Himself. Is your God fragile? Because we as Christians often act like God is incapable of dealing with people who question Him. I think God has a lot of practice with this. Do you really trust and believe God is in control? Really? You may profess it with your lips, but if you seek to gain control of this situation (and your son’s beliefs) with your own power, then you betray your words. Here is how I recommend you respond.
Sit down and relax. Don’t stand over him. “Jacob, those are legitimate questions caring people have asked for thousands of years. I’ve wondered that before, why a loving God allows awful things to happen. Why else are you struggling?”
Acknowledge that his questions are normal and legitimate. If you say he is just doing this to push your buttons, it delegitimizes his very real concerns. (And even if he is doing it to push buttons, don’t allow this to shake you because that makes you and your faith look weak to him). Ask him questions. This isn’t time to lecture and convince–it’s time to listen to his concerns and understand what’s driving this. Listen. Listen hard, listen without lecturing. Speak sparingly.
“Jacob, I just have to say that I’m really proud of you for having the courage to express your doubts like this–that takes guts. I like that you aren’t just accepting what we have taught you or what other people say. I want you to question because I want you to own your faith. Good for you.” Now I know that inside you will be crying and upset, but show him your confidence and don’t allow this to shake you. Keep asking questions and listening.
“Jacob, you know what else I like about you? That you have a good and kind heart. I love that you are distraught and confused about why people suffer. And I think that’s because you have struggled so much, too. Sometimes the people who feel the most pain in life are the most merciful–I think that’s why you have such a big heart.”
Create an environment in which your son can openly talk to you, ask questions and when he is ready, learn. In the meantime, there is one lecture I want you to preach loudly to your son all day and all night–and that is the silent lecture of your actions.
Does your child see you moved by the plight of the poor and hurting? Does he see you feeding the homeless or visiting the elderly? Does he see joy and peace in you that only God can give in the midst of tough circumstances? Is your faith real and alive? Are you just going through the motions, or does he see God’s grace and mercy flowing through you? That’s what will speak most loudly to him.
Do you agree or disagree with this response? Do you think you could handle it this way? What would you do?
4 comments
This is a fantastic approach to learning of your child’s disbelief.
In particular, I would like to comment further on the paragraph where it is suggested to say something like “…You have a good and kind heart. I love that you are distraught and confused about why people suffer.”
I implore all Christian parents reading this article to take this aspect of your child’s disbelief very seriously. Just because your child disbelieves in God, or even goes as far as to affirm that they are Atheist, DOES NOT mean that they are throwing in the towel on moral beliefs. This same question is asked by many (if not all) who eventually affirm Atheism, and most (if not all) Atheists will say that they believe that the Bible holds many truths about morality, just not many about God.
If your child is serious about Atheism, Agnosticism, or non-secularism, the most appropriate approach is to stress your common ground of morality. Not the controversial ones, (shy away from those) but the ones which are universal, such as “Love thy neighbor” and “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” Use the Bible in ways that would benefit anyone, regardless of their beliefs, and continue to instill in your child a strong sense of personal devotion to doing the right thing. Be active in your child’s development of their own beliefs, but try not to encroach too much on the one’s you don’t share.
The biggest myth about Atheists is that they lack morality. Ask a Christian why he should not kill and he will answer “Because God forbids it in the Bible.” ask an Atheist and he will say “Because it is inherently immoral.”
Good luck.
I came to this site because last night, on Thanksgiving, my 19-year-old daughter revealed to me she no longer believes in God. It broke my heart. I’ve been crying about it since we talked. I’ve blamed myself. I’ve blamed the hardcore Christian Right for being hypocrites. I came here looking for advice. I found it. I got caught up in the back-and-forth in which I find anytime an Atheist is asked to accept someone else’s beliefs the same way they demand believers accept theirs. I don’t refer to Atheists as non-believers. They have beliefs. In Darwinism and Evolution. I don’t dispute their arguments. Frankly, I admit I’m not smart enough to dispute them. And I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have all of the answers. No one does. Perhaps all of the arguing is for the sake of arguing, and one day we’ll learn that God made everything through a very Big Bang over time through an evolutionary process. Who knows? Like I said, I don’t claim to be smart in all things Evolution. I don’t claim to be smart in all things Creationism either. I have faith. All I ask for is respect in return. Thank you Kirk for helping me. I needed to calm down and separate my emotions. I could have accepted most anything from my child. At one point when she was a young teen and still hadn’t shown an interest in boys, I told her I was okay if she was a lesbian and would love her no matter what–and God loves her, too. This, however, threw me for a loop. Because it’s a choice. She’s choosing to not believe, and it’s something so fundamental to my existence (I also grew up Catholic, but I left the Catholic Church when my daughter was born in 1993 for non-denominational Christian services). I was shattered and didn’t handle it well. I needed to be reminded that God has been through this before, and He loves her as much as ever. He is not delicate and fragile and neither is His love. I now have the strength to handle this with the love and understanding I didn’t have last night or this morning. I can now hug her like I should have and tell her I still love her no matter what. She went through a depression when she was 15 and she doesn’t remember God’s presence. It will be my job to gently remind her that God was there then and He is here now. I have never been one to shove my faith down anyone’s throat, and I won’t start now. But, instead, I will show her the example of Christ by being supportive, loving, and understanding. I truly believe God brought me here. I love the line above where you say I’ve questioned my faith more often than anyone else could….I always felt like I was betraying God with my doubts, so hearing you say that brings me a huge amount of relief. It’s okay. Thanks for giving me the wisdom I needed when I needed it.
What I find disturbing is a question was posted by a mother in crisis, a mother who is mourning the belief that her child will not have an eternal life with her child and this had to turn into a harsh argument. I am speaking from experience myself. I have always been a christian. As a small child in a house with an alcoholic father and the terrible things that go on with that, with no guidance from anyone at all I turned to God and his awesome love to get me through. Yes I had times when I did not do the right things and I felt guilty about them. I raised my children the best I could and tried to instill a faith in God. So when my son “came out of the closetas an athiest” in a stupid post on facebook it was devastating to me. Yes I have been in mourning for a month. Shattered and broken. So I can understand this mother seeking and searching for the proper way to deal with this. So have a little compassion. It breaks a mothers heart. Yes I love my child more than life itself. That is why it is so heartbreaking. So instead of getting on here and bashing christians can you have a little compassion for a mother. My heart breaks for her because unfortunately I know exactly how it feels. I know the desparation of trying to find a way to deal with the disappointment and heartbreak. I so thank you for your first answer. It did help focus on how to handle myself in a christian manner.
An honest question for my atheist friends: let’s say your teenager comes home and says, “Dad, I have decide to give my life to Jesus Christ. I am going to become a Christian missionary and go tell people about Jesus!”
How would you respond?
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